My hand turned me down
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
