Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I understand Curling. That high.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Another day, another engagement, another cat
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
