then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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