i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
