yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He has the fingertips of a God
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