hotel room ftw
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
