Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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