Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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