This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
