wakey wakey hands off snakey
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
