Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
