tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize