bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why do cheetos always look like penises
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
