that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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