mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
