After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
