I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
