I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.