I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
