just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
