you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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