i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
