Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
