as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
