you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
