I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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