Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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