ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
