I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
