you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
