So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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