My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
