Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
