I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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