Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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