Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
