so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
