I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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