Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
