No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As shirtless as possible
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
