I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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