she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
