i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I could fuck to npr.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
