My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
