You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
