the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
