i just sent this text using only my big toe
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
