Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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