Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
