So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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