you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
