Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
