there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
