So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
