if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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