Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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